I was ready! After weeks of pouring my heart out and planning my next few steps, I felt it was time to head back and try again. One afternoon, I decided to just book my ticket and give this place another go. I felt stronger – I can’t say in tip-top shape but ready.
To be honest, it was so hard to leave home and not be sure of what’s to come.. Uncertainty – i hate the most! I guess because I like being in control – not very adventurous – always on top of things aware of what’s next. But then again, I was married and needed to be where my partner was if this newly formed union was to ever stand a chance.
So, I did. I flew back and tried to start fresh – mind clear, heart and soul ready, head in the game. First two weeks were fantastic! I focused on my purpose – to do everything out of love whether i wanted to or not. Not that I didn’t doubt or fear or encounter any stress at all, I did but I pushed it back well. I guess, that’s something we all can reflect on when we do things towards ourselves or others – is it done out of love? Is it really beneficial to the person your supposed to be serving? If it causes more harm than good, drop it. I truly struggle with this because I know my nature is selfish and self-serving. Many times, I only want what’s best for me and so this is something I have to remind myself everyday. Sure, my flesh wins many battles but I have my good days too (rare at times). Hope is the key. One day, if I practice this long enough and work on it regularly, doing things in love will become my new natural.
On my third week, I started my new job and this is where the fear and stress that I had supposedly overcome started to make it’s way into my life again. Certain triggers and situations affected me and the things of the past came back to light. When you aren’t sure of what’s going on around you, the next thing you start feeling is unsafe. This is exactly what was happening to me.
I started pulling back again – not wanting to see people, struggling to go to work, and questioning everyone’s motives toward me. Nothing felt genuine or real – nothing felt good. Up and down my mood went along with my emotions. I wanted so badly to understand what I was going thru and the people around me. I wanted answers to questions I didn’t even know how to ask without sounding crazy. I couldn’t quite disregard it though because I went thru it – i felt it and to me they were real.
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