Never will I undervalue my home and family ever again. Each individual that comprised the unit plus the structure itself became a haven for me during this period in my life. I felt secure and safe in this place – a feeling I needed to feel again so badly.
As I mentioned, due to certain incidents and a great deal of stress I had in my life, I honestly thought i was being hacked (don’t laugh..i’m serious). My private conversations were being listened to and, for someone like me who relied heavily on my phone and the online world to stay connected to the people I loved, the whole idea felt threatening. Just to be completely honest, to this day, I battle with pushing thoughts like this out of my mind. I choose to focus on what I know to be true and real – my God is bigger than anything. However, the idea aggravated my situation and was probably what really pushed me to head home. One option from the next statement was legit – either my privacy was being violated or I was hitting paranoia. Neither was acceptable!
People who have dealt with or are dealing with anxiety, depression or even a certain level of stress can probably relate to my experience. ‘Life’ happens in your head where another ‘reality’ full of demons and tormentors exist. These thoughts become so true to you, you stop accepting anything else as possible. Nope, this is it! I’m sure! How dare they?! What the?!?
Funny yeah? Not so when you’re the one going thru it. It is inexplicable sadness and discomfort that can even cause your bowel to react.
How did I get to this point? Why is this happening?
To be perfectly honest, I don’t know when it started but I know many different factors were behind it. For starters, I was so far from home – my safe space – the place where nothing I could do or say could make people love me any less. Yes, we fight but love wins! Adjusting to the new environment was also a challenge. Culture shock indeed! Here, there was no filter between the mind and the mouth. Good, on one hand, because nothing is ever hidden – you know exactly what they think and feel about things or, in this case, me. On the other hand, many times what we think and what actually is are two different things and the words that we say, naughty or nice, have impacted that other person’s life and made its mark. Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me – FALSE!!!
My first year honestly felt like a boxing match – six pros on the other corner and poor, little me on my side. Bell rings! Fight!!! In my case, round 9 – TKO!
Letting it all out, blow by blow, was a release. I needed to get rid of the toxic feelings I was harbouring in my heart. I knew it was changing me as a person – making me do and say things that weren’t like me. I was hurting and hurting people hurt others. I didn’t like how I was thinking, feeling and even acting. I wanted all the negativity gone. It’s the only way to really heal. My poor family had to bear with it! I guess it comes with the territory.
Next Step: Recover