For starters, here’s a short list of the things I tried to make myself feel better. Exercise – I started working out at home to get the blood pumping and got into yoga for it’s calming effects and positive vibes. Later on, I joined a Bikram yoga class thinking practising with others might make it more fun. Almost 3 times a week, I went on a trail with my husband called 1000 steps (thus my blog name). This was probably the most effective activity I did and often likened it to my current situation where every step felt like a struggle but in the end I made it to the top anyways. If we choose to push thru the difficulty, it’s so much like life don’t you think? I focused on eating well, keeping my home clean and neat, and reading different materials (a lot of feel good/self help/spiritual stuff). I could have easily emptied out my home from the numerous sorting expeditions I held (some of the things I gave away my husband didn’t even know about – hoping he never finds out). Being a Christian, I definitely prayed a lot. I lifted up situations, fears, shortcomings and even the future to the Lord. I knew the basics – He is on my side, Sovereign, Powerful and Faithful. He loves me and cares for me. I tried to keep my mind on the good and on what was right. Some days I would win but my losses just began to increase in number.
I wanted to feel productive. I wanted to feel useful. But more than that, I wanted to feel happy again. I wanted to get a grip so badly but I just couldn’t. Where is my peace and joy and hope? How do I get them back?
After exhausting myself, doing everything in my capacity to get better, I gave up and gave in. My heart called for the love and peace I felt I could only find at home and so there I went.
Many times in life we find ourselves looking for quick fixes not only for our pains but also for our messes. They work but only for a span of time and then there you are again looking for the next ‘feel good’ activity you can find to help yourself. Don’t get me wrong, most, if not all, of those activities are beneficial but the truth remains that bandaids can’t fix big wounds. They merely cover it up in attempt to not worsen or aggravate the situation without doing anything to heal and dry it up. Deeper, bigger wounds need tending to sometimes even by better-equipped people to get sorted out. This, in fact, was what I needed.
Only a few people from back home knew that I was coming in and so eyes were wide open when I finally got home. People knew me and they immediately knew something wasn’t right. I am not one to just give up. Actually, it takes a lot for me to fold my cards and quit. The question from everyone was, “What happened?”
Next Step: Release to Recover