Step 4: Temporarily Unavailable – Under Repair

6 months – that’s it! I’m done! I handed in my resignation letter and left my job in December. My last day felt like a party after a parade. Longest, most stressful day of my life – I didn’t know what to expect and from whom! Stressed out me thought the worst and expected it even before it happened (first proof I was going down). It’s coming, it’s coming…wait for it! But actually, the day wasn’t that bad – nothing I couldn’t handle and I celebrated with my husband after with an Indian dinner and a bottle of Gossips wine (cheapest and most delicious!)

Day after, I was scheduled to head home…Oh yeah!!! I had a plan. Get home, air out my grievances, celebrate Christmas and enter the fresh New Year with new vision and purpose. Sounds fantastic, right? Didn’t happen! Sad to say, for this very year when I needed my holidays to be merry, it wasn’t. Let’s just say there was greater family drama we had to deal with and it dragged everyone along.

Because of this, stress built up in my life and I just couldn’t deal. I could feel the cracks but tried not to focus on it. Actually, I purposely didn’t face it. I started applying for jobs and prayed for God to give me one – the one He had planned for my life. Days into weeks into months – 3 interviews, 1 call back, 0 hires. With so much time on my hands, I found myself reliving every stressful moment I went thru not only at work but even with family and friends. I was dwelling – and not on the good but on the worst. Being in another city, I had no people (My Peeps!). And there it was, I was drowning in my own misery, alone and bored.

I needed help and I knew it. Best solution ever – Call home! Viber, Messenger, Skype and Facetime (my beshies) witnessed the lowest points of my life and so did my pitiful family and friends. I went from sad to angry to resentful to happy to sad to happy to angry. I was a yo-yo, me myself, I was. My life was a struggle and so was my marriage. These days, I honestly felt sorry for my husband for having married me but I couldn’t fix myself anymore. It got to the point where I thought I was being hacked and all my calls were heard by a mass of people who were laughing at my expense (GRRRRR!)

shellJust so it’s clear though, I tried. I fought really hard. I wanted to keep myself together. Thought bubbles day in day out – What would people think and say? How will I get out of this? This is identity suicide, how do i survive this? Am I gonna lose it?

April 1, 2017, Saturday – I woke up, opened my eyes and said to my husband, “I’m going home.” At this point, I knew I needed to. I had physical manifestations of the negativity I was feeling inside. Permanent but moderate chest pains (the type that doesn’t really feel bothersome but causes you to blow a big breath out to try and clear it), a woozy feeling in my head and the fact that it had been months since I actually slept well without the help of pills made me think about my life. Which weighed more – my health or my reputation?

Next Step: More Help!!!

 

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